Today put away the upstairs water bowl that only Bubby drank from, in the bathroom. He would drink with his paws, marching away while licking the water, and alternately dipping his paw in the water, and licking it off.
It hurts to put it away.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wrong - Still Crying
Was very wrong about the managing not to cry thing. After loading the pics, took just 10 mins before I started bawling again. I miss my boy so much. I want him back so much.
Mourning - Week One
It's been a week now, and I've managed to not burst out crying every time I think of my baby boy. I've managed not to cry every time I see his pics. That wrenching pain in my heart and that sinking feeling in my gut hasn't gotten better.
Had started to make his memorial blog, but couldn't really handle it. It seemed really important to make sure I had put his page up, at least. Even if I couldn't actually add any content.
Had started to make his memorial blog, but couldn't really handle it. It seemed really important to make sure I had put his page up, at least. Even if I couldn't actually add any content.
Mozart, July 2002
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| From Mozart Pics |
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| From Mozart Pics |
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| From Mozart Pics |
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| From Mozart Pics |
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| From Mozart Pics |
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| From Mozart Pics |
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Shitty Day
Got Hubby from the airport this morning, went home to take Mozart to the vet for the last time. We both cried so hard over his cold, stiff little body. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. Before he got stiff, I posed his body the way he would be if he'd really been sleeping, little front paws curled in, back legs stretched out. Hubby said he was glad I waited so he could see Bubby one last time to say goodbye.
I couldn't stop crying the whole time.
We both took him in to the vet at 10am, where she took him away. She promised to have the autopsy results by 1pm. I couldn't look at her, I was crying so hard, but Hubby said she teared up too seeing me cry so bad.
She called right back around 1:20pm with the autopsy results. There was a blood clot sitting right by his heart valve. His heart was thickened. All other organs were very healthy. She said I took very good care of him. It should make me feel better. I don't.
I know it's called a necropsy. I don't care. I'll call it an autopsy and that's what it's called. Mozart was our little boy, not just some cat.
I couldn't stop crying the whole time.
We both took him in to the vet at 10am, where she took him away. She promised to have the autopsy results by 1pm. I couldn't look at her, I was crying so hard, but Hubby said she teared up too seeing me cry so bad.
She called right back around 1:20pm with the autopsy results. There was a blood clot sitting right by his heart valve. His heart was thickened. All other organs were very healthy. She said I took very good care of him. It should make me feel better. I don't.
I know it's called a necropsy. I don't care. I'll call it an autopsy and that's what it's called. Mozart was our little boy, not just some cat.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Mozart's Passed
Mozart passed last night at 8:25pm. He'd hopped on the dining table, trying to get me to start getting dinner ready. I'd absently petted him, as he made his cute stretch with his tail all curled up along his back, kicking myself because I didn't have the camera ready to take a video, and thinking to myself, "Plenty of time, I'll get another chance to take one later."
Then as he hopped onto the dining chair, I scritchied him, said "Hey, what a handsome, just a minute, I'm coming." He hopped off. A minute later, I heard a strange horking noise coming from the den, so I went to investigate. I watched as Mozart appeared from behind the coffee table, and threw up a little clear liquid, stumbled over the Bombay chair, then collapsed, half over the chair brace. I ran over to him as he lay there, unmoving, a faint growling sound coming from him, and his tail fluffed up. I just kept saying, "No, no, no, no, Bubby, Bubby?" as I raced to get my coat and the carrier.
As I was rushing around to get my coat, keys and carrier, I kept looking in on him, wishing he would move away from where he collapsed. He didn't move. When I went to put him in the carrier, I knew he was dead. I just wouldn't let myself believe it. He was still warm and soft, one eye closed and the other half opened. I put him in the carrier anyway, and raced to the emergency ER, and told them he'd collapsed. They were encouraging because of what I said, and took him to the back. A minute later, she came out, shaking her head, saying, sorry, you're right, he's dead. There's nothing we can do for him. We're so sorry. I took him back home in the carrier.
I called Hubby in Tokyo to tell him. He was stunned, and said he'd come home on the next available flight. I told him not to, there was nothing he could do, and I worried about his canceling his meetings. Funny the inane things that run thru your head. He called tonight to tell me that he'd canceled the rest of the meetings, had already booked a flight, and what time to pick him up from the airport.
I had Bubby by our front door still wrapped up in the oversized pink towel, so the other kitties could sniff him. They all cautiously came over to look at him, sniff him all over his ears and nose. Pixie looked scared, Ginza looked curious, and Kayla looked indifferent. I placed his little body on our bathroom floor, door opened for a while. The others came over again to sniff him.
I couldn't sleep all last night. I sat by his little body for hours, staring at him, willing him to get up and twitch his ears and whiskers. I was still in shock this morning when I went to the therapist. I couldn't stop thinking of him laying there on the bathroom floor. I called the vet on the way, and she said that of course she could do the autopsy and handle all the cremation details for us. She wanted me to bring him in right away, but I said that I wanted to wait until Hubby came home tomorrow morning, so he could say goodbye. She said, ok, it was still within 48 hours, but he has to be somewhere cold. So I had to put him out in the spare frig in the garage. It was terrible, I felt so bad putting him there, even though I knew logically that he was gone and didn't care.
This is a nightmare.
Then as he hopped onto the dining chair, I scritchied him, said "Hey, what a handsome, just a minute, I'm coming." He hopped off. A minute later, I heard a strange horking noise coming from the den, so I went to investigate. I watched as Mozart appeared from behind the coffee table, and threw up a little clear liquid, stumbled over the Bombay chair, then collapsed, half over the chair brace. I ran over to him as he lay there, unmoving, a faint growling sound coming from him, and his tail fluffed up. I just kept saying, "No, no, no, no, Bubby, Bubby?" as I raced to get my coat and the carrier.
As I was rushing around to get my coat, keys and carrier, I kept looking in on him, wishing he would move away from where he collapsed. He didn't move. When I went to put him in the carrier, I knew he was dead. I just wouldn't let myself believe it. He was still warm and soft, one eye closed and the other half opened. I put him in the carrier anyway, and raced to the emergency ER, and told them he'd collapsed. They were encouraging because of what I said, and took him to the back. A minute later, she came out, shaking her head, saying, sorry, you're right, he's dead. There's nothing we can do for him. We're so sorry. I took him back home in the carrier.
I called Hubby in Tokyo to tell him. He was stunned, and said he'd come home on the next available flight. I told him not to, there was nothing he could do, and I worried about his canceling his meetings. Funny the inane things that run thru your head. He called tonight to tell me that he'd canceled the rest of the meetings, had already booked a flight, and what time to pick him up from the airport.
I had Bubby by our front door still wrapped up in the oversized pink towel, so the other kitties could sniff him. They all cautiously came over to look at him, sniff him all over his ears and nose. Pixie looked scared, Ginza looked curious, and Kayla looked indifferent. I placed his little body on our bathroom floor, door opened for a while. The others came over again to sniff him.
I couldn't sleep all last night. I sat by his little body for hours, staring at him, willing him to get up and twitch his ears and whiskers. I was still in shock this morning when I went to the therapist. I couldn't stop thinking of him laying there on the bathroom floor. I called the vet on the way, and she said that of course she could do the autopsy and handle all the cremation details for us. She wanted me to bring him in right away, but I said that I wanted to wait until Hubby came home tomorrow morning, so he could say goodbye. She said, ok, it was still within 48 hours, but he has to be somewhere cold. So I had to put him out in the spare frig in the garage. It was terrible, I felt so bad putting him there, even though I knew logically that he was gone and didn't care.
This is a nightmare.
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