Popping Up Frequently

As next month nears, Mozart's been popping up more and more in my thoughts.  I've been having more dreams of him that I remember, like just this morning.  Nothing extraordinary, just him doing his usual thing.  My emotions have been bubbling up a bit more too, I start tearing up again just thinking about him again.  I'm remembering him collapse in front of me, instead of the happier memories I was trying to focus on before.  It'll be a hard anniversary.

We miss him so much.  I just want him back.

Too Soon To Talk About Bubby

At dinner last week, we got asked about our cats. I had to say 3, but had to mention we had 4, and mentioned Bubby's death. Started to change the subject, then, I don't know why, I recounted the first time I saw him and how we came to adopt him. Was I testing myself? I was ok, I thought. I kept it short and cute. I didn't cry, my voice didn't quaver. We all laughed, and said, 'awwww', sweet story, hmmm?

But when we got home, I bawled and bawled. And the next day. And the next day. It took till the 3rd day for some of the pain to subside. It's still too soon.

Pretty Hard Yesterday

We were strolling along the Wharf, and I saw a banner proclaiming 'Happy Father's Day'.

Me to Hubby: "That's right! Happy Father's Day to you!"
Hubby to Me: "Why? We don't have (human) kids."
Me to Hubby: "Of course we do! We have four!"
Hubby to Me: "Oh, hon...."
Me: "What? Oh...ohhhh" Trying hard not to cry.
Hubby: "Yeah, sometimes I think we still have four too."

Checking out other bloggers' layouts, and came across another cat blogger's pic of their sleeping kitty. For a sec, I almost thought it must be Bubby. Wanted to leave a comment about that, limited myself to a short compliment.

Changed Header

Felt compelled to do so. Getting a LOT of hits on Mozart searches, and I can just imagine when they get our kitty baby instead of the composer. LMAO!!!!! Although, sometimes it's a little disturbing what people are searching for about Mozart (the composer).

A Dream

5:50am this morning I woke up from the first dream of Mozart that I remembered.

It was very early morning, I was very groggy, but it was time for their breakfast, so Hubby and I made our way down. We watched the 3 kitties running down the stairs ahead of us, then Mozart appeared behind them. I knew he was dead, and he was only appearing because I was so groggy, but I was still so overjoyed and relieved to see him. I scooped him up right away to cuddle and it was so wonderful to feel him purring away all fitted up in my arms, just the way only he could feel. I was telling Hubby to pet him cause he'd stopped purring, then we laughed when he started up right away again after petting.

I knew I couldn't hold him forever, I had to put him down to let him eat breakfast, but I knew I'd never see him again when I put him down, so I didn't want to. He gave me 2 strange mews, and I let him go, finally, and watched him trot off to the kitchen, and I knew I wouldn't see him again. I woke up as Hubby was telling me that I'd been holding nothing, and that he'd never been in my arms.

I miss my boy.

Peripheral Vision

While working on the computer, a noise outside caught our attention, and peripherally I watched 3 sets of kitty ears perk up and point left to hear. For a second, I thought Mozart was up on the center tree, and looked up to smile at him, before I remembered.

It's been really hard. I'm still crying a lot, at all odd times, when it just hits me. I'm very angry. It's not fair. I want my little boy back.

I immediately change the subject when people ask about it. I still can't talk or think about him without tearing up right away. It's still too raw. We miss him so much.

Finally Updated 'About Me'

Changed number of furkids to 3, and Mozart to the 'angel kitty'. Really hard. Cried a bit. Just one more little acknowledgment again that he's gone.

The other day I cried and cried and cried for a couple hours straight. Looked thru his pics and hugged his little cremains box. I miss him so much. Oh boy. Set me off again now.

Mozart's Squirrel

I miss him so much today. Saw the squirrel running along the fence. Remembered Mozart running from patio door to patio door to window following the critter.

Bad Weekend - Floating Fur

I cried and cried most of this weekend. Started Friday with looking up kitty emergency info for Pam, and afterward, happened on the pages on emergency CPR procedures. Had one of those wishful-thinking moments envisioning myself having rushed to Mozart and performed CPR. But then I know that he might have been brain- or other- damaged, and I wouldn't want that. But the next page had a pic of a sick orange kitty laying on his back looking at the camera.

Next night, friends gave their condolences at a get-together, and I said, thanks, yes, he was really special. Trying to keep it light, I described how a halo of gently drifting fur floated upwards from a very still Mozart, beatifically illuminated in the sunlight. Hence his nickname Sir-Sheds-A-Lot. Later I thought of how much I missed that, and would never see it again.

Next day at another get-together, another friend showed pics of their dogs that had passed a while back. Again thought of our own pics scattered around the house, and knowing that it's going to be this hard even after time's passed. It's not gotten easier.

Today Was Bad

Saturday was pretty bad, when I was doing stuff in the garage with Hubby, and spotted 2 things: the special bag of junk food kibble especially bought for Mozart, and the first 2 toys I ever bought for him. 2 pink plastic wheelies attached by rods and a mouse, and the pompom glove.

Tried to work on his picture album, and broke down again.

Bad Day This Morning

Cried and cried my eyes out this morning. I miss him so. Also came up because I had to tell 3 different people on Tuesday that he'd passed. Then last night, we saw the new House episode, where Wilson, who had kept everything the way Amber had it that last day, finally washed the last dirty glass she used. I felt exactly the same way when Mozart passed. I refused to wash or clean anything for a month. It really hurt to finally take away his water bowl.

All of that just ripped the thin scab off and made it a fresh wound again. Held it in till this morning.

Also so overwhelmed by the house crap too. I'm freaked out that the house is falling down, that I'm a crappy homeowner and can't take care of shit. So I'm just a mess of emotions at the moment. But taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, and figure out a way to distract myself.

Ginza's Feeling Better

Ginza seems to be feeling a bit better after losing his brother. He made a mad dash up and down the stairs a couple times last night. This morning when I woke, he was in his little kitty bed (side by side with Mozart's bed) where they always slept every night. He hadn't slept in it since Bubby's passing. No-one's touched Bubby's bed at all.

Coming From The Garage

This morning, still sleepy and sluggish, went out to the garage to get some of the kitty food cans. Re-opening the door to come back in, there's Pixie's cute little face peering at me, and hopefully into the garage. For a few seconds, I had such a vivid memory of Mozart's happy, curious face waiting for whatever I'd be bringing from the garage, that I truly thought he was there, and actually looked for him for a second before my brain kicked back into gear.

Pretty Down Today

Feeling very depressed today, thinking a lot about Motzie. Cloudy gray weather not helping. Will go try to do something to lift my spirits.

Mozart's Eating Habits

Mozart hated eating alone. He just wouldn't do it. I first figured this out one day when he was still a kitten, and the sole kitty in the house. Was on a consulting gig for a week, so was gone all day. I left him a nice big bowl of kibble so he could nibble as he wanted. For the first three days, I noticed that the bowl was untouched until I got home. He'd come running to the door to greet me, then lead me over to his bowl, and immediately start eating. If I went to another room, he'd stop eating and follow me. He'd trot next to me as I headed back to the kitchen, then eat again while I made dinner. The bowls were untouched all night, as he would sleep in his basket and not move until we woke up in the morning, then he'd have breakfast like we had breakfast, and use his bathroom.

I didn't know anything about cats then, and I really couldn't understand this behavior. It was more like what I would expect from a dog than a cat. Weren't they standoffish, aloof, independent creatures? This cat was so sweet, so obedient and such a fantastic companion, always trotting everywhere with me. Didn't he know he was a cat?

After I finally noticed this, I started testing it out. I'd go over to his bowl, and he'd start eating right away. However long I stood there, he'd eat. The minute I left, he'd leave. If I were in my home office, he wouldn't leave me all day until I went downstairs, then he'd trot down with me and finally go eat.

When I acknowledged that this was really true, I'd make sure I went to his bowl several times a day so he'd eat, since I was concerned about his being healthy, as he was a growing kitten. Once Ginza came, they'd eat together, so I didn't have to worry about it as much.

That moment of acknowledgment was my 'click' moment with Mozart, and when he completely stole my heart. That was also the moment I threw all my preconceptions of cats out the window.

Mom - NOT A Comfort

Still can't talk about Bubby without my voice quavering immediately, though, even with someone who doesn't care, like Mom.

She called today, and dropped a casual 'oh, heard one of your kitties left', and I said, 'Yes, Mom, our favorite kitty-boy DIED last month, and we're grieving'. To which she replied, 'Well, whatever, it's gone now, it wasn't very important. How many more do you still have?' And abruptly changed the subject (acceptable). She thinks it's truly bizarre that I 'keep useless filthy animals' 'AND in the house too!', instead of pursuing more useful activities like having human kids. Animals are a source of food - that's it. I get where she's coming from, but it would be nice for her to have some tolerance for my POV too. Never going to happen, which is ok. More important: After I warned her 5.5 years ago with one short but very nasty sentence, she's never insulted my kitties to me again.

Looking At Mozart's Pics Without Crying

Today was the first day I've been able to look at a pic of Bubby without immediately bursting into tears. I looked at his pic and actually smiled (internally), remembering when I took it. I tried to move on a bit more by taking lots of pics of the others today, and posting them.

Ginza Calling And The Indy Game

It breaks my heart to hear Ginza wandering around the house calling for his brother. It was even more heartbreaking the other day to see Ginza trying to get Pixie to play the chasing game he used to do with Mozart. He tapped her, faced off, started to dash off, but then stopped and looked back at Pixie since she wasn't following. She was also staring at him, puzzled about what he wanted. I just cried and cried.

The boys loved their Indy games at least once a day. I'm not sure how it started and what the rules were, but they'd worked it out to a science. They had to. The speeds at which they were going meant that if something changed, they slam into something and hurt themselves. They would face off, tap each other on the face boxing style, then one would turn and run thru the house, with the other giving chase. Halfway thru, suddenly the chasee would be doing the chasing. They'd launch down both sets of stairs with some very good air height.

Ginza hasn't sped thru the house since Bubby passed.

Nice Cards From Sisters

We got a very nice condolence card from my middle sis today, which made me cry really hard. She said she picked it because the picture looked a lot like Bubby laying in the sun. It did. It was really nice to read it, she said some nice things. The card was also specifically printed on the loss of a kitty, which was nice. There must be many other pet lovers out there like us, that there's a market in these cards.

My other sis had also sent a card last week. That was nice.

Weighing The Kitties

After weighing the kitties, recorded their weight into their medical log. Cried again, as there's an empty space for Mozart. Their weights are all recorded since we adopted them. It's like a fast-forward memory as I scan their growth thru the years.

Mozart's first recorded weight was 1.5 lbs on June 26, 2002, the day I brought him home. He was so little that when I had taken him in to the vet for his neuter as mandated by the shelter, the vet delayed the procedure for another month, as he hadn't even dropped yet, he was so young.

I remember our first 4th of July together, just the two of us. I cradled Bubby while we watched all the fireworks from Hubby's office, while talking to him on the phone. I told him how Bubby was taking the fireworks so well, he looked more interested in all the lights and loud booms than scared, and he was happy sitting on my arm. It's one of my fondest memories.

To Remove Or Not To Remove

Can't bring myself to change the info that says '4 cats'. It still feels like I have 4 cats. Every mealtime looks wrong, because I'm putting down only 3 bowls. Sometimes I forget and get 4 bowls ready.

It hurts every time to see his pics on the regular blog, so I want to remove them so I don't have to see them until I brace myself, like this memorial blog. Then I feel horrible and guilty. It feels like I want to wipe out his traces or something. But of course that's not true, since I've made a whole dedicated blog to him. Still.

The Laundry

Doing a load of laundry now, and was waiting for Bubby to run over to supervise me. He always loved hopping up on the dryer, checking out the clothing I was sticking in, poking his head over the washer as it was filling up, then checking out all the cleaning supplies.

March 2007

From Mozart Pics

Emptiness

When Hubby rushed home, and we mourned our baby boy, he remarked that the house seemed so deafeningly quiet, which he said was odd, seeing as Mozart never really spoke. He could barely get out a squeak, and often made silent meows. Lately, he had started trying out his voice, which sounded like a tortured yowl, and always brought me running to check that he was ok.

I know what H means, though. There's this huge, vast, emptiness without him. His absence screams of this huge void that makes it just unbearable. The house seems so empty without him.

Drinking

Both of us didn't drink a drop for a couple weeks after Bubby's death, for fear of amplifying our grief. I guess it still wasn't time yet, as tonight I'm well on my way to polishing off an (expensive) bottle of shiraz, and I'm just sobbing away. It's not good to be sad and buzzed.

Nicknames

Mozart had the most nicknames, as fitting his exalted status.

Motzie
Motzrug
P.O.D. (Purr On Demand)
Bubba
Bubby
Lion King
King of the Castle
Handsome Boy
Fuzzy Butt
Furry Butt
Big Boy
Purry Furry
Sir Sheds-A-Lot
Butterball

Will add as I remember.

Favorites

Mozart was without a doubt Hubby's favorite little boy. There was no question. He loved him, and Bubby loved him back equally. He knew he was Hubby's favorite.

I tried really hard not to play favorites, but I have to admit in my heart of hearts that he was my favorite too. Obviously, I didn't hide it very well anyway, since I had been singing his praises just the week before to my pregnant friend, and when I mentioned his passing to our neighbors' daughter, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I know he was your favorite." It was obvious.

Older Post - Mozart And The Pillows

This was an older post from my regular blog, and it was with unbearable sadness that I read it. To think, when I wrote this back in August, he had even less time than I could imagine.

August 9, 2008 'Today's Catnip: Mozart's Head on Our Pillows'

Adorable, adorable, adorable. Did I mention adorable? Mozart this morning wakes me up at 5am by sticking his nose into my mouth, freaking me out. Then he settles in and lies down with just his head on my pillow, since there was space after I jerked my head back from my rude awakening. Then he took a turn on Hubby's pillow. Always has to wake us up to let us know he's sleeping with us, gets knudgies, then settles in. Always sleeps between us. Always has to be touching both of us. ADORABLE. Doesn't curl up entire body on pillow like other kitties, just his little head. Just like a human. OMG. ADORABLE.

When I saw him laying his head on the pillow, the excruciatingly sad thought crossed my mind that he's such a special one-of-a kind kitty and we will never have another kitty like him. Ever. Some of it was that he was an only kitten when we adopted him, so he imprinted like a human. But some of it's just this special orange cat. So special. Gonna go hug the stuffing out of him now.

From 2003:

From Mozart Pics

From Mozart Pics

Mozart And The Vacuum

Pulled out the handheld to pick up a few crumbs, and broke my heart again. No more Mozart eagerly running up to get vacuumed. He was the only one unafraid of them, and he would run up every time without fail. He loved the handheld vacuums, standing straight waiting to get the vacuum lightly over his fur, then get a treatie.

In fact, when I got the louder Black & Deckers, I worried about them being too loud on kitties' ears. He still would run right up for a grooming, and I would have to tell him to go away because they were too loud. He was so smart he'd walk away just a little distance and watch, waiting for his treatie anyway.

Little Past Week Three

Haven't been crying every time I think of Bubby. But cried and cried last night while talking to L about it. Was the first time I'd spoken about it to anyone besides Pamela and Hubby since Bubby died. Pamela's been just unbelievably supportive thru our loss, and her texts have comforted me no end.

Last Sunday Ginza yanked out the plaster cast paw we placed under Bubby's pillow at his favorite window. The reminder set me crying. The next day, Ginza yanked the collar I wrapped around his little box, and that set me off again. I put them both into my top drawer.

Today I thought I could handle coming back to this blog to do a bit of tweaking, but started crying again when I saw his pics. It's hard to do anything thru the tears. My heart hurts so much, and I can't seem to catch my breath.