Popping Up Frequently

As next month nears, Mozart's been popping up more and more in my thoughts.  I've been having more dreams of him that I remember, like just this morning.  Nothing extraordinary, just him doing his usual thing.  My emotions have been bubbling up a bit more too, I start tearing up again just thinking about him again.  I'm remembering him collapse in front of me, instead of the happier memories I was trying to focus on before.  It'll be a hard anniversary.

We miss him so much.  I just want him back.

Too Soon To Talk About Bubby

At dinner last week, we got asked about our cats. I had to say 3, but had to mention we had 4, and mentioned Bubby's death. Started to change the subject, then, I don't know why, I recounted the first time I saw him and how we came to adopt him. Was I testing myself? I was ok, I thought. I kept it short and cute. I didn't cry, my voice didn't quaver. We all laughed, and said, 'awwww', sweet story, hmmm?

But when we got home, I bawled and bawled. And the next day. And the next day. It took till the 3rd day for some of the pain to subside. It's still too soon.

Pretty Hard Yesterday

We were strolling along the Wharf, and I saw a banner proclaiming 'Happy Father's Day'.

Me to Hubby: "That's right! Happy Father's Day to you!"
Hubby to Me: "Why? We don't have (human) kids."
Me to Hubby: "Of course we do! We have four!"
Hubby to Me: "Oh, hon...."
Me: "What? Oh...ohhhh" Trying hard not to cry.
Hubby: "Yeah, sometimes I think we still have four too."

Checking out other bloggers' layouts, and came across another cat blogger's pic of their sleeping kitty. For a sec, I almost thought it must be Bubby. Wanted to leave a comment about that, limited myself to a short compliment.

Changed Header

Felt compelled to do so. Getting a LOT of hits on Mozart searches, and I can just imagine when they get our kitty baby instead of the composer. LMAO!!!!! Although, sometimes it's a little disturbing what people are searching for about Mozart (the composer).

A Dream

5:50am this morning I woke up from the first dream of Mozart that I remembered.

It was very early morning, I was very groggy, but it was time for their breakfast, so Hubby and I made our way down. We watched the 3 kitties running down the stairs ahead of us, then Mozart appeared behind them. I knew he was dead, and he was only appearing because I was so groggy, but I was still so overjoyed and relieved to see him. I scooped him up right away to cuddle and it was so wonderful to feel him purring away all fitted up in my arms, just the way only he could feel. I was telling Hubby to pet him cause he'd stopped purring, then we laughed when he started up right away again after petting.

I knew I couldn't hold him forever, I had to put him down to let him eat breakfast, but I knew I'd never see him again when I put him down, so I didn't want to. He gave me 2 strange mews, and I let him go, finally, and watched him trot off to the kitchen, and I knew I wouldn't see him again. I woke up as Hubby was telling me that I'd been holding nothing, and that he'd never been in my arms.

I miss my boy.

Peripheral Vision

While working on the computer, a noise outside caught our attention, and peripherally I watched 3 sets of kitty ears perk up and point left to hear. For a second, I thought Mozart was up on the center tree, and looked up to smile at him, before I remembered.

It's been really hard. I'm still crying a lot, at all odd times, when it just hits me. I'm very angry. It's not fair. I want my little boy back.

I immediately change the subject when people ask about it. I still can't talk or think about him without tearing up right away. It's still too raw. We miss him so much.

Finally Updated 'About Me'

Changed number of furkids to 3, and Mozart to the 'angel kitty'. Really hard. Cried a bit. Just one more little acknowledgment again that he's gone.

The other day I cried and cried and cried for a couple hours straight. Looked thru his pics and hugged his little cremains box. I miss him so much. Oh boy. Set me off again now.