Today Was Bad

Saturday was pretty bad, when I was doing stuff in the garage with Hubby, and spotted 2 things: the special bag of junk food kibble especially bought for Mozart, and the first 2 toys I ever bought for him. 2 pink plastic wheelies attached by rods and a mouse, and the pompom glove.

Tried to work on his picture album, and broke down again.

Bad Day This Morning

Cried and cried my eyes out this morning. I miss him so. Also came up because I had to tell 3 different people on Tuesday that he'd passed. Then last night, we saw the new House episode, where Wilson, who had kept everything the way Amber had it that last day, finally washed the last dirty glass she used. I felt exactly the same way when Mozart passed. I refused to wash or clean anything for a month. It really hurt to finally take away his water bowl.

All of that just ripped the thin scab off and made it a fresh wound again. Held it in till this morning.

Also so overwhelmed by the house crap too. I'm freaked out that the house is falling down, that I'm a crappy homeowner and can't take care of shit. So I'm just a mess of emotions at the moment. But taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, and figure out a way to distract myself.

Ginza's Feeling Better

Ginza seems to be feeling a bit better after losing his brother. He made a mad dash up and down the stairs a couple times last night. This morning when I woke, he was in his little kitty bed (side by side with Mozart's bed) where they always slept every night. He hadn't slept in it since Bubby's passing. No-one's touched Bubby's bed at all.

Coming From The Garage

This morning, still sleepy and sluggish, went out to the garage to get some of the kitty food cans. Re-opening the door to come back in, there's Pixie's cute little face peering at me, and hopefully into the garage. For a few seconds, I had such a vivid memory of Mozart's happy, curious face waiting for whatever I'd be bringing from the garage, that I truly thought he was there, and actually looked for him for a second before my brain kicked back into gear.

Pretty Down Today

Feeling very depressed today, thinking a lot about Motzie. Cloudy gray weather not helping. Will go try to do something to lift my spirits.

Mozart's Eating Habits

Mozart hated eating alone. He just wouldn't do it. I first figured this out one day when he was still a kitten, and the sole kitty in the house. Was on a consulting gig for a week, so was gone all day. I left him a nice big bowl of kibble so he could nibble as he wanted. For the first three days, I noticed that the bowl was untouched until I got home. He'd come running to the door to greet me, then lead me over to his bowl, and immediately start eating. If I went to another room, he'd stop eating and follow me. He'd trot next to me as I headed back to the kitchen, then eat again while I made dinner. The bowls were untouched all night, as he would sleep in his basket and not move until we woke up in the morning, then he'd have breakfast like we had breakfast, and use his bathroom.

I didn't know anything about cats then, and I really couldn't understand this behavior. It was more like what I would expect from a dog than a cat. Weren't they standoffish, aloof, independent creatures? This cat was so sweet, so obedient and such a fantastic companion, always trotting everywhere with me. Didn't he know he was a cat?

After I finally noticed this, I started testing it out. I'd go over to his bowl, and he'd start eating right away. However long I stood there, he'd eat. The minute I left, he'd leave. If I were in my home office, he wouldn't leave me all day until I went downstairs, then he'd trot down with me and finally go eat.

When I acknowledged that this was really true, I'd make sure I went to his bowl several times a day so he'd eat, since I was concerned about his being healthy, as he was a growing kitten. Once Ginza came, they'd eat together, so I didn't have to worry about it as much.

That moment of acknowledgment was my 'click' moment with Mozart, and when he completely stole my heart. That was also the moment I threw all my preconceptions of cats out the window.

Mom - NOT A Comfort

Still can't talk about Bubby without my voice quavering immediately, though, even with someone who doesn't care, like Mom.

She called today, and dropped a casual 'oh, heard one of your kitties left', and I said, 'Yes, Mom, our favorite kitty-boy DIED last month, and we're grieving'. To which she replied, 'Well, whatever, it's gone now, it wasn't very important. How many more do you still have?' And abruptly changed the subject (acceptable). She thinks it's truly bizarre that I 'keep useless filthy animals' 'AND in the house too!', instead of pursuing more useful activities like having human kids. Animals are a source of food - that's it. I get where she's coming from, but it would be nice for her to have some tolerance for my POV too. Never going to happen, which is ok. More important: After I warned her 5.5 years ago with one short but very nasty sentence, she's never insulted my kitties to me again.